You drink PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon)

Here is the alarming evidence...

You ride a fixed gear because you want to look super cool

"But the hipster down the street has one, I want one tooooo!!! WahhhhH!!!"

***How to build the perfect hipster bike***

1. Buy some crappy 80's bike frame off CraigsList for $50.
2. Blast it with a new (preferably bright) color scheme.
3. Trick it out with some new wheels, colored spokes and rims (preferably Deep Vs [no, not the shirts, but you should wear one while riding] or Aerospokes because they look the kewlist).
4. Add a matching saddle. A Brooks saddle is also a perfect addition.
   
5. Put a straight bar on it, or some bull horns--no grip though, because your middle name is "Danger".
6. Get up on it!!! But make sure you fold your right jeans' leg up, we wouldn't want to embarrass ourselves now, would we?

***Optional steps***

• Accessorize!!! Wear a bandana tied around your head, or maybe a cool vintage hat. But do NOT, I repeat, do NOT wear a helmet. Remember, the point is to look cool. Brain damage or death is SOOOO worth it.
• Finally, when all is done, make sure to place your new ride in front of a really colorful painted wall that kind of matches your bike and take MANY photos.

Here is an example of the end result: (hipster not shown in photo)

You wear or have worn one of these scarves

Look, I'm not even gonna lie. I own one of these and I wore it/wear it. But those of you who have no idea what it means/represents by now, you are idiots. Figure it out. Because not knowing is embarrassing. In fact, I'm a little embarrassed for you right now.

You shop at American Apparel

Yes, even if you shop online...

You work at American Apparel

You play in a band

Seriously, if the one interesting thing about you is that you play in a band, I’m really sorry to hear that. And as statistics would likely prove, your band mostly likely sucks big schweaty balls. Why is it that all hipsters have to play in some crappy band? On top of that they feel the need to subject others to their crappy music? What did we ever do to you?! Oh, I know, pay our way and contribute to society – yeah I’d be bitter too hipsters. Touche.

p.s. Just because you get a crowd of hipster and your friends who are hipsters to go to your shows doesn’t mean your band is good. It means your friends are lame and their crappy personality and lack of good looks have lead them to your crappy show.

You play in multiple bands

So you’re at The Smell in downtown LA, you just finished a set and you’re taking a break before your other band plays. As if one crappy band wasn’t enough you hipsters play in multiple bands- and why do they either have too many members or not enough? And you probably say you have your own style and you’re trying to do something different. STOP making music- seriously, it’s definitely not where your comparative advantage lies.

Your boyfriend plays in a band and asked you to be in it even though you have no discernable talent

But you’re not that bad looking and he can fuck you regularly, so he’ll take one for the team and let you sing back up or let you feel like you’re contributing by playing the keyboard or the bass.

Your band has multiple drummers or extra percussion or just one fugly chick playing a single drum

White kids, put down the MPC and walk away. Do you need an extra drummer to make up for both of them sucking? Fugly chicks, playing one drum with another chick screaming and another chick playing a xylophone isn’t Avant Garde- it’s just plain wrong.

80's Pedophile Glasses

You have worn, or wear these pedophile glasses proudly--in a sad attempt to bring back unattractive 80's fashion.

But wait-no- these are okay to wear because you're being ironic.

you live in Echo Park, Silverlake, Atwater, Los Feliz, or Downtown.

"There is no joy in this hipster hell" - outside of hipster haven, Little Joy in Echo Park, California aka Hipsterville, USA.

Yeah, there is no joy in your trust fund world where your parents fund your drug habit and pay for your 1,000 channels of direct TV. I'm sure life sucks when you're white and your parent pay for your rent, or if you've finally started paying for your own rent, I guess life sucks when you realize your parents paid $160k for you to go to USC and study Liberal Arts... What's it like not actually having a useful skill set? I guess it doesn't matter if your parents are both doctors - or lawyers - or investment bankers